The Office life of a Turk
by EeveeHearts
Summary: Some short stories about what the Turks may get up to in the office.
1. Oooerr

**Don't own anything. Apart from a filthy imagination. Please R&R (:**

Yet another boring day in the Turks' office. No surprise there then.

Reno absent mindedly leaned back in his chair and rocked backwards and forwards. Like usual, his mind was somewhere else, as he spun round on the chairs wheels, his vision becoming blurred, and causing his colleges to feel sea sick.

"Reno."

Reno ignored the voice and continued spinning, wondering what it would be like to be a tornado.

"Reno!"

A rough hand stopped his chair from spinning any further. He was rotated round to face man who had distracted his, what Reno would call, 'work'

"What do you want, Rufus?" asked Reno trying to cut back on the nastiness in his voice. He was, after all, his boss.

"Stop your daydreaming and go get Tseng and Elena," he said lowering his head, so he was level with Reno. "I have important paper work for them to do."

"Can't you get them yourself?" Reno groaned, throwing his head back slightly. "You have legs don't you? Or have you decided to be in a wheelchair again?"

Rufus was used to Reno's snide comments, so he just waved them off.

"You won't have legs in a minute, boy," he said, pivoting the chair and giving it a push. Reno wheeled forwards and fell out of his seat. The red head staggered to his feet, brushed himself down and glared at Rufus.

"All right, I'll get them!" he said begrudgingly. Turning on his heel, he headed towards Tseng's office, where he expected Elena to be. She was like a lovesick puppy.

"Can I get you a drink, sir?" Reno said in a mimic voice of Elena. He laughed quietly. "Can I massage your shoulder? Can I lick your shoes? Can I clean out your sh- wait. What they hell?"

When he reached Tseng's office, voices and grunts emerged from the room. He held back, to listen to what they were saying.

"It won't go in," said the voice of Tseng

"Just ram it in, sir," replied the voice of Elena

"I tried that before, it nearly broke it."

Reno stiffened. Suddenly, he smiled gleefully. Oh he's gonna have these two…

He decided to listen in for a bit longer and see if he could find anything to blackmail them with later.

"No, seriously, it won't fit, I think it's too big."

"Maybe if I lift it up, and you shove it in?"

Reno mustered all his strength to either not vomit, or burst out laughing.

"Okay… ready?"

"Yes. Ouch! That hurt! I'm bleeding now!"

"Gosh, I'm sorry Elena!"

"It's fine… maybe if you pulled out and tried shoving it in at a different angle?"

"Okay, let's try that."

A grunt followed, then Tseng sighed, sounding frustrated.

"It's no use. It's just too small."

"I'm sorry sir, we can try widening it and try again tomorrow."

"Yeah… You've got loadsa white stuff on you by the way."

"Tsk, sir, you are rather messy!"

"I'm not good with my hands, Elena."

"You're a man, your supposed to know how these things work, sir!"

Shuddering, Reno took a deep breath and entered the office, hoping the pair were at least half decent.

Elena and Tseng were leant over the paper shredder, trying to shred a piece of cardboard.

"Hello, Reno." said Tseng. "We've just been trying to shred this piece of card, but the shredders too small. Then Elena tried lifting the lid up to see if it'd fit, but it was no use."

"And the shredder gave me a cut!" said Elena holding out her bleeding finger. "I need a plaster."

Reno's jaw hit the floor.

"Oh, look sir!" said Elena. "You spilt all those paper shreddings over me, and they're stuck in my suit!"

"My apologies," said Tseng eyeing Elena. The 'white stuff' that Tseng was talking about a few moments previously, was in fact, paper shreddings.

"Did you want anything, Reno?" asked Tseng. Reno closed his mouth and shook all thoughts from his head

"Rufus want's to see you in his office." he said, his left eye twitching slightly.

"Very well. Come Elena." ordered Tseng heading out the door, and leading the blond Turk away from the office.

__

Well…

thought Reno, watching after them.

_I guess working here isn't so boring after all…_

5 minutes later, the red head was spinning widely on his chair again complaining he was bored. The best things happened when he was bored, he made sure of that. Good old Reno…


	2. Who dunnit?

When something broke in the Turks' office, there was always 3 main suspects:

Elena on the sole purpose of being blonde. Or Reno and Rude for being… well, stupid.

"It wasn't me!" thundered Reno for the hundredth time that day. "I swear, it must have been someone else!"

"It wasn't me, either," mumbled Rude

"Don't look at me!" shrieked Elena. "I wasn't even in the room at the time!"

Rufus stood before them, in a towering rage, with his arms folded.

"Well someone did it," fumed Rufus. "It can't just break by itself."

"You shouldn't always blame us," said Elena. "Sexism, that's what it is."

"I think your forgetting, I'm a guy!?" said Reno

"Oh really. I never knew. You looked like a girl"

"Why you-"

"You two!" snapped Rufus. "Stop arguing, your not helping. I'm docking your wages until the photocopier machine is paid for."

This resulted in an angry outrage from the others.

"You can't do that!"

"There's no proof it was us!"

"We need that money for valuable drinking!"

"Well I doubt it was Reeve, or Tseng, or anyone else. So I guess you three are to blame."

This sent them into another frenzy of protests.

"That's so not fair!"

"Yeah, I bet it was Mr. Goody Reeve's fault!"

"Yeah. Reeve is really out of control," said Rufus eyeing up Reno's unkempt uniform. "Conversation over. Get back to work."

Rufus turned on his heel and left the room. Reno stuck his middle finger up at his back and pulled a face. Elena threw a pen at his head.

"If he see's you doing that, you'll get sacked," she growled.

"If he see's your face you'll get sacked," retorted Reno as a lame comeback. The angry blond glared at the red head, fists clenched.

Before a fight broke out, a small figure appeared at the doorway.

"Reeve would like to see you," said the small figure that happened to be Cait Sith. Still glaring at Reno, Elena rose to her feet and headed towards the door, Reno and Rude following.

"Good kitty," said Rude as he passed Cait Sith. A yelp followed this as Cait sunk his claws into Rude's leg. He limped after Reno, who's hair was billowing angrily, obviously expecting a bollocking off Reeve. (A/N: Bollocking means being told off, just incase you didn't know).

Elena was already sat in Reeve's office when Reno and Rude turned up. Reeve looked fuming. He slammed some papers on the desk, and glared at all 3 of them in turn.

"I've got 200 copies to make by lunch, and Rufus tells me you've broken the photocopier machine. Explain yourself."

"It wasn't us!" outraged Reno. "He just blames us for everything!"

"Well, you all are too clumsy to be a Turk." replied Reeve, his eyes narrowing.

"It's not us!" raged Elena, her cheeks turning pink. "Maybe if Rufus wasn't such a cheapskate he'd be able to afford more than one bloody photocopier for the whole office!"

"Don't blame Rufus," said Reeve leaning forwards on his desk and glaring at them all.

"Look- we didn't do anything. But we'll try fix it if it gets everyone off our backs." reasoned Reno. Reeve shrugged and returned to his paperwork, ending the conversation. Sighing, all three of the naughty Turk's left the room and headed to the recently deceased photocopier.

"It looks fine to me," said Elena opening the door and examining it. On closer inspection, she saw the screen was cracked and smudged.

"That smudge…" said Elena slowly. "It looks like a… but it can't be…"

"A what?" asked Rude. Elena ignored him and began searching the office. Reno watched this strange behaviour for a moment, then decided to look at the photocopier machine himself.

"You right actually," he said running a finger along the smudged glass. "It does look like a … Well, I'm sure… but who would do this?"

A few moments silence passed as Elena searched through the bins, in the plants and in every nook and cranny she could find. Suddenly, she gave a triumphant yell and pulled something out from behind the machine. A pile of pictures…

Reno gasped. "Is that…?"

"Rufus!" they all said at once.

Reno called out to Cait Sith who was walking the corridoor, and beckoned him inside. He ordered him to fetch Tseng, Reeve and Rufus to the room where they were situated. With a nod, he headed back outside and collect the three men.

Now all they had to do was wait. Rufus was so gonna get it…

XXXXX

The three men impatiently trudged through the door, and stood before the three Turks.

"This better be important," said Rufus, flicking some dust off his suit in a gay way. "I'm terribly busy."

"Yeah, I bet you have pictures to take on photocopying machines, don't you?" said Reno waving the pictures in front of him.

"What are you on about?" he asked, pretending to be confused.

Reno placed the pictures down. They showed Rufus doing some strange poses, a few of various body parts, and one that Reno hoped was the cheek on his face…

"What the hell?" asked Reeve examining a picture of Rufus with a cheesy grin, holding his thumb up.

"It's not me," he stammered. Everyone raised an eyebrow and looked impatient.

"Oh, please," scoffed Elena. "You used the photocopier machine to take pics of yourself. You must have sat on it to take a pic of your arse or something, and it broke. And you blamed us!"

"Yeah, and there's hand prints all over the machine," chipped in Rude. He pointed out the hand marks on the glass. Everyone fell silent and looked at Rufus. He began feeling uncomfortable, shuffling his feet.

"I think you owe us an apology," said Reno. Rufus cleared his throat, his eyes darting round the room. He looked at Reeve and Tseng for support. They simply shook their heads.

"Fine," he said, his face contorting like he had swallowed something nasty. "I'm … sorry. I guess I won't dock your wages…"

"I'm sorry too," said Reeve. "I shouldn't have blamed you."

Elena straightened up with a triumphant yell. She folded her arms and pouted at the rest of the Turks'

"Why thank you, sir!"

An embarrassed silence followed. Rufus cleared his throat. "All right, all right. Back to work. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about this… thing…"

"Not a problem," grinned Reno heading towards the door and laughing. "Just don't blame us all the time in the future."

Rufus nodded as the rest of them left, leaving only Elena. Grinning, she made her way towards the door. Before leaving, she turned to Rufus, trying to suppress her giggles.

"Only you sir. Only you…"

XXXXXX

****

A/N: Yo, sorry it took so long to update, I got a bit stuck…

Next chapter: The Turks' stumble across fanfiction dot net Wonder who's story they might read…

Please R&R. and I'll mention your story in the next chapter (: (thumbs up)


	3. Tinternet

****

Still own Jack shit. I do own the authors in the story, of course, I have them locked in a cage under my bed (;

An incredibly bored and most likely horny Reno was looking at porn on the internet.

Without warning, Rufus Shinra poked his head round the corner of his cubicle, causing Reno to shriek like a girl, jump nearly a foot into the air and hastily close the window.

"Hey, Reno, will you have that paper work on my desk by- HOLY CRAP! PUT IT BACK IN YOUR PANTS, BOY!" yelled Rufus shielding his eyes as Reno took the pen from behind his ear and slipped it back into his trouser pocket. Rufus was well known in the company for being fussy about where things go.

"Yes, Uhh… what did you want, sir?" he asked quickly, hiding all traces of embarrassment from his face.

"That paperwork!" gasped Rufus, massaging his heart. "I need it by tomorrow…"

Rufus was interrupted by Rude blundering in, confused.

"Who just yelled?" he asked looking from Rufus to Reno. With a grin, Reno pointed to his boss.

"Oh. It sounded like a woman…"

Rufus cleared his throat and blushed, waving Rude's comment aside.

"Paperwork. Tomorrow," he reminded Reno before leaving the office. Shaking his head, he returned to his computer deciding it was best not to continue watching porn with Rude in the room.

"Hey partner," said Reno lazily, resting an elbow on the table, his chin in his hand. "I wonder what would happen if I Shinroogled myself… Damn Shinra naming the search engine after themselves…"

Rolling his eyes, he opened up Shinroogles homepage and typed in "Reno"

(A/N: Shinra And Google together make Shinroogle! Clever, huh?)

In a matter of seconds, thousands of pages popped up. He leaned forwards and scanned the computer screen.

"Hmm… Wow, look! There's a city called Reno!" gloated the redhead, showing Rude. He grunted, obviously uncontrollably jealous. He continued to search the websites, until one caught his eye.

"Fan Fiction dot net?" He asked, with a puzzled expression. He clicked the link and browsed the website for a few moments. A moment later, he let out a yell that caused several other Turks' to peer over the top of their cubicles

"ELENA AND TSENG!?" he roared, banging his fist on the desk. "THAT SLUT! AND HIM!"

"What are you on about?" asked Rude before Reno turned into a raging bull and threw a pissy fit.

"There's a story on this site! Tseng and Elena get it on!" he raged. "Someone must be watching them, and writing down what they're doing! It's sick!"

Rude calmly leaned over the desk and scanned the story.

"It's not a true story, idiot," he said raising an eyebrow.

"Oh really? And how do you know?"

"Well, the name of the website gave me a hint… Fan **Fiction…**"

Breathing heavily, Reno calmed down a smudge. Suddenly, in rushed Elena and Tseng, eyes wide.

"What's wrong?" asked Tseng. "I heard Reno's delicate tones scream mine and Elena's name…"

"That's what's wrong!" said Reno pointing to the computer screen angrily. Elena and Tseng leaned over to read the story Reno was indicating. When they reached the end, Elena was pissing herself laughing.

"Are they crazy?"

"Me and Elena? Don't think so."

"Yeah," agreed Elena, forcing a laugh and hiding the fact he had just broken her heart.

Shrugging, Reno turned back to the screen as a certain story caught his eye…

"A Deeper Kind Of Love? I wonder what that's about. Sounds like porn. I'm gonna read it."

"Who's the author?" asked Rude rolling his eyes.

"Well… the pen name says xJustxThinkx…." muttered Reno leaning in closer to read the summary. He let out a strangled yell. "The relationship between Reno and Rufus? What relationship? Uhh…"

He looked around blindly, wondering if xJustxThinkx was spying on them.

"Your awfully jumpy," said Elena raising an eyebrow. "Is there something you would like to tell us?"

"What? Me? And Rufus? Don't be silly…" stammered Reno, his eyes darting around shiftily. Hearing his name, Rufus entered the office to investigate.

"What's wrong? HOLY CRAP!" he yelped, noticing the story. "Yoai? With me and Reno!? Is someone watching us?"

"Ewww!" said Elena cringing.

An awkward silence fell. Tseng coughed and stuffed his feet into the floor, Elena looked round matter of factly, Rufus rubbed his arm, Rude stood there like a statue, like always, and Reno merely shrugged, returning to the computer.

"Oh cool, Reno get's beaten up," said Elena who was leaning over his shoulder, reading the story. "Nice one."

"Yay, I'm in this one!" said Rude.

"Your always bumming Reno," said Tseng thoughtfully.

"I thought he was always bumming Rufus?"

"Then you bum him bumming Rufus," concluded Tseng with a nod. Rude considered this and shrugged.

"She's got you down to a tee," said Rufus, who was also reading the story and chuckling.

"You Faggot," muttered Reno lowering his head slightly.

"What was that?"

"I said… I shoot maggots."

"It better be as well, boy."

Sighing, Reno turned to face the others.

"Well, I'm gonna send this author chick a message," he said.

"Saying what?" asked Elena. "I hope your not gonna be one of those pathetic internet gangsters who flame everyone."

Reno shook his head and placed his fingers on the keyboard, beginning to type a message to xJustxThinkx.

__

Yo, it's Reno. I've just read your stories and…

He hunched over slightly, so the others couldn't read

__

…I wondered how you could write so well. I mean, I can't. I'm getting writers block writing this message. Anyway. I was also wondering where your hiding the cameras? Cos no one else knows what me and Rufus get up to… I mean, it's cool, but now everyone knows our secrets ):

Anyway, yo. Keep up the good writing, just don't give too much away, if you catch my drift ;)

Straightening up, he quickly sent the message and continued scanning the site.

"JeanneAndHerAlters?" asked Reno reading aloud. "She must be cool!"

He clicked on the story 'Truth or Dare' and began reading.

"We played truth or day with Yuffie, Vincent and Cloud?" he asked. "Vincent playing Truth or Dare? I'd have thought he'd prefer Hide and Seek in a coffin…"

"What the hell!" raged Reno. "Me singing I feel pretty?" he looked confused as the rest roared with laughter.

"You do it every Saturday," laughed Elena. Reno coughed, embarrassed, and continued to read.

"I kissed Cloud on the cheek? More Yaoi?!"

The rest laughed as they joined in with reading the story.

"Cloud get's a nosebleed… wonder why…" muttered Tseng. "Ha, you kissed his cheek."

Reno blushed. "I'm having a right affair…" he muttered "Rufus and Cloud…"

"Ha. You are a pervert." said Elena, remembering the time Reno "dropped" a pen down Elena's shirt and insisting on retrieving it. Reno ignored this comment and finished reading the story.

"Haha, I'm talking to the author," he chuckled. "How cool is that. Ha I poured some water over Cloud. I liked that ending. I'm gonna write to her too, cos I'm sexy."

With a chuckle, he began typing away a message.

__

Yo, it's Reno… Just wanted to compliment you on your writing… But of course I threw water over that Chocobo head… thx for adding that (:

Anyways, thx for adding me in your story. Can't talk now, Rufus is looking at me like he's gonna eat me, ha. Long cat is long.

Tseng shook his head and tutted at Reno's ability of being easily pleased.

"I'm gonna go do some more paperwork," said Tseng, backing away towards the door.

"I'll uh… help you…" said Elena, with a shifty look. "I hope there's no cameras watch us do paperwork…"

With a giggle, she followed Tseng to his office. Rufus brushed down his immaculate, clean white suit and coughed importantly.

"Well that was pretty eventful," he said looking down at Reno. "You can get back to work now…"

With a shrug Reno turned on his chair and turned the computer off. When Rufus had left, he glanced over his shoulder, then stroked the computer screen.

Good old internet… It never failed to boost his ego…

XXXXXXX

****

Yo guys, it's Reno I've taken over this fag story and…

Me: Wtf! Get out!

A/N: Anywho, sorry it sucked towards the end, it was kinda rushed cos it's late and some lad was blagging head on MSN, so I lost my drive.

But please R&R?


	4. Chaos in the Cafe

Reno couldn't hold it in any longer.

He picked up the knife, the tears pouring down his face. This was the last thing he wanted to do…

He swiftly brought the knife down and sliced through the skin, causing more tears to cascade from his aqua eyes.

"I hate chopping onions," he sobbed to Rude. "Why can't you do it?"

"They make me cry real bad," he replied, backing away slightly.

"You have glasses!" said Reno "At least you can protect your eyes!"

"They don't stop the tears from falling!" whined Rude.

"Well, can I borrow some? Come on, you have 367 pairs!" begged Reno. Rude shook his head, causing an angry outburst from Reno.

"Man, you never share!" he sulked. "You never used to share your action men, or your school lunch, or your girlfriends-"

"-You used to steal them anyway!"

"Chicks dig redheads, man. I can't help it."

Rude huffed and faced away from his partner, stirring the pot on the stove. It was all that gobshite redhead's fault they were in this situation in the first place, he could at least show some remorse…

**Earlier that day, 10:30am.**

"Yo, Ruffy." grinned Reno as his boss entered the office.

"Don't call me that," he snapped.

"Ok, sorry, Mr. Snuggles. "

Rufus Shinra glared at the Turk, daring him to piss him off further.

"I'm warning you," he said steadily. "One more wise crack and you're sleeping in the shed!"

Reno groaned and rolled his eyes. Unfortunately, Reno was forced to stay at Rufus' as his home had a rat infestation.

"…Big fat rats, playing checkers," Reno had told everyone. "Rude won't let me stay at his, his mum doesn't like me… Reeve… well, that Cat of his annoys me… Tseng and Elena get on my tits so… I guess you'll have to put me up for a few night, sir."

He grinned and threw his arm round Rufus' shoulder. Rufus glared at Reno, perhaps he smelled horrible. No body dared to sniff him.

"I'd rather not," said Rufus, throwing Reno's away and wrinkling his nose.

"But it's Shinra policy! If an employees house is infested with rats, they must stay with the boss!"

"O RLY?" said Rufus. "And where does it say that?"

With a grin, Reno headed over to his draw and pulled out a script, handing it to Rufus to read. Scrawled in pink crayon, like a child had written it. It said; "If an employeez howse is infested wif rats, then the employie must stay at da boss's howse. Rool numba 39 of Shinra policy."

Unfortunately, Rufus was gullible and fell for it. With a shrug, he told Reno he could stay for a few days.

"…but no funny business," he warned. Reno grinned and gave him the thumbs up, racing off to tell Rude the gossip.

**Back in the kitchens with Reno and Rude.**

"…That's not how you got us making the dinner for everyone," groaned Rude, ending his friends daydream. "You kept pissing everyone off, and put itching powder in Rufus' pants, that's how we ended up here."

"You never tried stopping me," he shrugged pouring the food onto some plates. He was about to spit on Tseng's plate when Rude hit him.

"Spittings a dirty habit," he said, picking up some plates and carrying them to the café. He placed the plates in front of Tseng, Elena and Reeve. Tseng eyed them suspiciously.

"I'm not eating anything Reno made," he said raising an eyebrow. "He probably spat in it."

"Rude stopped me," said Reno emerging from the kitchen, carrying some plates.

"Oh, well I'm definitely not eating it." said Tseng pushing his plate away.

"Fine starve!" snapped Reno. "I stayed over a hot stove for hours! I know when I'm not appreciated!"

Reno threw his long red hair over his shoulder and pouted. Tseng sighed and apologised.

"I'm sorry, honey. You know how stressful work is," he said.

"What, and looking after 3 kids isn't?" asked Reno pointing to Elena, Reeve and Rude.

"What the fuck." said Elena, feeling confused and scared at the same time. Reeve scratched his head, then picked up the fish off his plate and slapped Reno and Tseng with it.

"Snap out of it!" he said. They shook their heads, dazed, and continued to glare at each other. The usual sound of eating was heard as the four Turks began to dine.

"Mmmffkkmfmkkf munch munch," said Reeve tearing a chunk of chicken away from the bone with his teeth.

"Om nom nom," said Elena munching on her lettuce. The Caitkins diet certainly didn't taste nice, and the fact Cait Sith invented it aroused some suspicion. Elena, nevertheless decided to try it, hoping to drop a few pounds.

"Snort snort snuffle," said Tseng devouring his burger like an animal eating it's prey.

"Hmfkkkmmmhmhmhmfk," said Rude cutting up his steak. The rest wondered how he made eating noises when he wasn't actually eating.

Reno watched the rest, nibbling his chips, wondering how they ate so noisily. He glanced at Elena who was looking uncertainly at her celery, wondering how many calories were in it.

"It's ok, celery has no calories," said Rude picking up a stick and studying it closely, maybe to see if there was a guide to how much fat, salt and carbs were packed in this stick of green goodness. "You know, I'm trying to eat healthily. Perhaps cutting down on calories might help…"

He dipped the stick in mayonnaise, sprinkled it with salt and vinegar, added some full fat cheese and took a bite.

"Mmm, no calories…" he said dreamily.

Before anyone could protest, Tseng spoke up.

"Why you on a diet Leany-bear? You don't need to lose weight!" he said in a sickening babyish voice.

"I want this dress to fit me for the office party, Tsengy-poo," she replied in a voice just as disgusting, referring to the office party which was to be held next week. "I want to look fabulous for you, pumpkin."

"You look fabulous whatever you wear, snuckums." said Tseng with a cheesy grin. Reno gagged and pretended to puke.

"Would you two stop talking like retards!? We're trying to eat!"

"Jealousy killed the cat," grinned Tseng taking Elena's hand.

"Curiosity killed the cat," corrected Rude, straightening his shades in a geeky manner. If nothing, he knew all the sayings…

"Cat? What cat? I hope it wasn't Cait Sith!" said Reeve panicky. "He's always getting into trouble!"

"Not a kitty!" shrieked Elena. "I love kitties!"

"No cat died!" thundered Tseng. "But Reno will die in a minute if he doesn't shut his gob!"

"Make me!" smirked Reno puffing out his chest and pouting.

"Oh, don't say I didn't warn you, boy," threatened Tseng picking up some chicken and aiming for Reno's big gob. He threw it at him, and hitting Reno's big massive cave that he called a mouth.

"You son of a bfttthhddfkkfmfk!" muffled Reno, flailing his arms round madly and falling out of his chair. A loud choking nose emerged from the floor, where Reno was choking. Tseng hooted with laughter, throwing his head back. Reno's head popped up, and he reached for a bowl of coleslaw. A mass of mayonnaise, carrots and onions were sent in his direction, splattering his face and suit resulting in a very angry Tseng.

"Don't throw things!" snapped Elena throwing a spoon at Reno's head, but missing and hitting Rude's instead. It bounced of his shiny head, and he looked completely unfazed.

"What you hit Rude for!?" Reno barked, aiming for Elena with a carrot, which she dodged.

"I was aiming for you! You hit my Tsengy-poo!"

"You hit my Renny-poo!" said Rude, his eyes widening. "Er, I mean, you hit Reno!"

"Not again," groaned Reeve, leaning on the table, which was on the verge of being upturned if yet another food fight broke out. without warning, a baguette was thrown at Reno's head, effectively knocking him out.

"Look what you've done!" shrieked Rude pointing to the unconscious Reno. "Get the emergency first aid kit!"

Reeve raced forwards with the kit, and handed it to Rude. Taking out a Yuri magazine, he waved it in front of Reno's face. He sat upright, instantly.

"Do I sense Yuri?" he asked, his tongue hanging out. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

When Reno had finished reading the Yuri, he remembered who knocked him out in the first place.

"Tseng!" he yelled picking up a pizza and flinging it at him. Tseng threw back a sandwich, which hit Rude. Rude threw a chicken leg which hit Elena. Elena threw a piece of bread with hit Reeve. Reeve groaned and shook his head, refusing to take part.

Seven seconds later, Reno sprang to his feet and began the food fight. Various snacks were sent zooming through the air, as the fight commenced. Sauces and dips splattered faces and tables. Baguettes bounded off heads and cheese was lodged into hair. There was a flailing of limbs and savoury snacks, the air thick with food and high pitched screeches, mainly coming from Reno.

Rufus heard the racket from his office, and entered the café to find Elena smearing Reno's face with Cheese and chive dip.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?" he roared, causing the fighting to stop abruptly. They all turned to face him, with guilt etched onto their faces.

"Er…" began Tseng, who was about to stick a bread stick up Rude's nose. "…I can explain?"

"Tseng! You of all people! I can understand the rest of them doing it, cos none of them are all there, but you! I expected better!"

"Oh, thanks," grumbled Tseng who was sat quietly at the edge of the table, completely clean from not fighting.

Rufus looked at the dirty Turks' and tutted. They always caused him trouble…

"Well," he said kicking the mop bucket towards them. "Guess who's cleaning this up. When I get back, this place better be spotless!"

With a menacing glare at the rest of them, he turned on his heel and thundered outside. Reno stuck his middle finger up at his back, Rude hit him on back of the head.

"Why do I hang out with you people," grumbled Tseng, reaching for the bucket.

"Yo, Elena, do the cleaning up." drawled Reno. "You're a girl, after all."

"Sexist!" she said angrily "Don't make me beat you to death with a French stick!"

"Let's just clean this up," groaned Rude, also reaching for the bucket.

"…Honestly, Reno. First you get us cooking for everyone, then we have to clean up after them. I think I'll trade you in for a new partner…"

--

**A/N: Yo guys. Thanks for all the reviews so far! (:**

**Next chapter; office party. It gets gate crashed by… FANGIRLS! XD**

**I need some people to volunteer to be mad crazy fan girls. Interested? Lol**

**Please R&R! (:**


	5. Office party

****

Didn't you hear? I won ownership of FF7 over night! LOL, just kidding.  
Only 3 girls volunteered to be fan girls… Pffft at the rest of you, haha. Please review.

--

Various bottles, kegs and glasses of alcohol perched on a large table, accompanied by some snacks. People congregated round the room, chatting casually. They had all donned smart evening wear, rather than the usual office wear. Yes, everything was set for the office party.

Everything that is, apart form a few certain Turks.

"Come _on_, Reno!" moaned a tall, bald man dragging his red haired colleague from his office

"I don't wanna go!" groaned Reno, kicking out at the big burly man. "Don't make me go, Rude, I hate office parties!"

"President Shinra won't be best pleased if you don't attend," he said, hoping to convince Reno. He raised an eyebrow and looked towards the ceiling.

"Damn it Rude! Every parties the same. Rufus will make a few comments about us, Scarlett will try get with every guy there, Reeve will run round butt naked, Elena and Tseng will sneak off to a closet somewhere, Hojo will grope every girl he see's and I'm NOT putting up with 'Gya-ha-ha' all night from Heidegger!"

His partner stopped for a moment, staring off into space, past Reno's shoulder.

"What?" said Reno, thinking he was gazing at him. "Have I got shit on my face?"

Rude shook his head and spoke slowly, realizing what Reno had said. "Now you put it like that… I fancy an early night. Come on, run!"

They rotated round and sprinted towards the exit. A loud voice behind them interrupted them, causing them to stop dead in their tracks.

"GYA-HA-HA-HA. And what are we up to?"

"Heidegger!" grimaced Reno, slowly turning to face him and pulling an expression like he was chewing a wasp. "We're just off for some fresh air!"

"Bullshit, gya-ha-ha!" he said, marching towards them. "Sir will hit the roof if you don't attend this party, gya-ha-ha! This one will be good. Come on!"

He headed towards the main hall. With a groan and exchanged glances, Reno and Rude followed.

--

On entering the main hall, they found what was to be expected. Scarlett was sashaying sexily across the room in a skin tight red dress, while Hojo was trying to grab her arse. Elena was wearing a simple black dress, clinging on to Tseng's arm. Reeve was near the drinks table, thankfully, fully clothed.

"So, you decided to come!" said the voice of Rufus Shinra, striding over to them. They grinned sheepishly.

"Yeah, we're here."

"You could have changed from your pyjamas though!" he laughed nodding towards Reno's suit. He rolled his eyes. Rufus was doing his part in driving him insane already…

"Hello Rude," said Rufus noticing the man next to the disheartened Reno. "You're looking very homosexual today."

Rude remained silent, upright as ever. Rufus chortled and walked away from them, strutting his ever placed white suit. Reno shook his head and headed towards the drinks table.

"If we're gonna have to put up with these lot all night," he told Rude. "We may as well be plastered, so we wont remember it the next day."

--

They party was in full swing. Hojo had groped a total of 27 girls. A personal best. Rufus was surrounded by Scarlett and Heidegger, although he wished he had chosen better company.

"…So, I was saying to the guy, that's not an octopus, that's my mother!"

His punch line made the two Shinra employees roar with laughter. Which caused everyone in the room to cover their ears.

"Gya-ha-ha!" said Heidegger

"Kya-ha-ha!" said Scarlett

"Gya-ha-ha!" said Heidegger

"Kya-ha-ha!" said Scarlett

"Gya-ha-ha!"

"Kya-ha-ha!"

A pause.

"Is it… over?" said Rufus, cringing, causing the blond and the old man to snort with laughter again.

"Gya-ha-ha!"

"Kya-ha-ha!"

"Gya-ha-ha!"

"Kya-ha-ha!"

"Argghh!" yelled Rufus covering his ears and running away to hide behind Tseng. Reno watched from afar, practically falling over with laughter. He was reaching for a drink when thundering was heard throughout the building, causing ripples to skin through the punch, and the bottles to jump from the table, rattling to the floor.

"What the hell is that?" gasped Reno, drawing his hand back and staring at the punch bowl.

"BRAAAAAAINNSSS!"

A loud banging on the doors and windows echoed round the main hall. Reeve looked round wildly, trying to detect the disturbance.

"Zombies?" he gasped.

"No…" said Reno noticing the pressed up noses to the glass, and the drool marks.

"…Worse. FANGIRLS!"

XXXXXXX

"Fan girls?" gasped Rufus, his eyes widening. "How did they get in?"

A loud smash of glass interrupted Rufus' question. A hoard of screaming girls jumped through the smashed window and raced towards Rufus, Reno, Rude, Reeve and Tseng.

"It's Reno! It's Reno!" screamed one, pointing towards the Red head. "I wanna touch his hair!"

"Back off bitch, he's mine!"

There was a flailing of hands, arms and fan girls as they all grabbed the men, dragging them closer together.

"I got him!" screeched one, deafening Reeve for a moment or two as she clutched his arm.

Reeve struggled towards the glass case, labelled 'Break in case of fan girls', but they pulled him back, pining down his arms.

"To the Turks' office!" another yelled pointing forwards. There was a mass of hands as the Shinra employees were pushed away from the main hall.

"Lock them in!" shouted one, as two or three fan girls jumped for the door, and turned the lock. The men were in a circle, centre of the room, trying to protect one another.

"Since when did fan girls eat brains?" said Reno bravely, looking round the room at the broad grins.

"We don't eat brains, silly!" one laughed. "We said 'games!' we want to play games!"

"What… Games?" said Tseng, running a finger round his collar and swallowing. One girl brandished a bottle.

"Spin the bottle!" she grinned. Suddenly, three girls fought their way to the front, standing before the men with broad smiles on their faces.

"Whoa!" yelped Reno. "Since when did we have hot fan girls!?" The three girls giggled, and caused outraged looks from the rest of the girls.

"So… Jeanne, Emily and Laura-Rose?" asked Reeve, reading their nametags. They nodded, and the one called Jeanne brandished something from behind her back, handing it to Reno. A muffin.

"Er… Tanks," he said taking a bite. "What is it?"

"A soul consuming muffin," she answered, grinning. Reno spat it out, coughed and handed it to Rude. His soul was too sexy to go.

Laura-Rose brandished the bottle under their noses. "It's time," she said. "For spin the bottle!"

XXXXXXXX

"Let me just check the bottle's on Yaoi setting…" murmured Jeanne flicking a switch, then placing it on the floor. A small crowd had gathered round the men, joining them in the circle.

Emily leaned forwards to spin the bottle twice. First time it landed on Rufus, second time, it landed on Reno.

"Kiss! Kiss!" said Jeanne pulling out a digital camera and pointing it towards them.

"I'm not kissing him!" protested Reno, nodding towards Rufus, who looked offended.

"I don't quite fancy kissing old fish breath, myself!" he said.

"Do you really want some mad raging hormonal fan girls on your back?" asked Laura-Rose. Scared, the men shook their head and both dived forwards for a kiss. The girls cheered, fainted, and got nosebleeds.

"OMG, this is sooooo going on MySpace!" said one, fanning herself with her hand. The bottle was spun again, and ended up on Rude and Reeve.

"Oh my God!" yelled Reeve, close to vomiting.

"Rules are rules!" said Emily. "Kiss!"

Very reluctantly, the men leaned forwards and shared a kiss, cringing all the way through it. Tseng looked triumphant at not being reduced to kissing a boy. The fan girls exchanged grins, then launched themselves on him, hands pulling him forwards and into Reeve. The girls turned into a fit of giggles as their lips made contact, Tseng disgustedly pulled away, wiping his mouth.

"Eurgh…" he grimaced as the Fan girls rolled on the floor, having some sort of fan girl fit. Seemingly happy with enough Yaoi for the day, they all rose to their feet and unlocked the door. Rufus jumped to his feet and rushed forwards, making a bolt for the door. The others followed, heavens knows what would happen if they were left in a room with hormonal fan girls!

The hoard of girls scrambled out of the room, following the men that had just left. Rufus, in a fluster, rushed into the main hall, grasping his heart.

"Rufus?" asked Heidegger. "What's wrong?"

"They made me kiss Reno!" he said, sounding utterly disgusted.

"Poor you," said Elena offering him a chair. The thundering of hundreds of pairs of feet echoed through the main hall. The door banged open, and the girls burst in. they looked around, searching for a certain someone…

"There he is!" screamed one, pointing to Hojo.

"Me?" said Hojo, pointing to himself. They al raced forwards and surrounded him. One grabbed the back of his hair, while four others clutched his arms and legs.

"REVENGE!" they all screamed, dragging Hojo from the room by the limbs. His shouts of 'Help!' were unheard by everyone else.

"He deserves it," shrugged Rufus, sinking down in his seat and sighing. "Fucking nut job, that one is."

Tseng, Reeve, Reno and Rude entered the main hall, looking a little worse for wear. Angrily, Reno turned to Rude and hissed at him through clenched teeth.

"This is exactly why I hate office parties!"

--

****

A/N: You like? Review please!

Also, I'm all out of ideas! I dunno what to do for a next chapter, so suggestions will be useful, and I'll be sure to use them!


	6. Costa Del Sol part 1

**A/N: **Hullo! This is a really late update, it's been like, four hundred years since I last wrote this, been kinda busy! Audrey gave me the idea cos she's awesome, so enjoy!

--

It's a hard life being a Turk. Kicking ass all the time, having a mega big wage, and free holidays. Yep. It's a hard life.

Tseng entered his office to find a letter waiting for him. He eyed it suspiciously, in case it was a prank Reno was trying to pull off. He studied it, recognising the official ShinRa stamp that only Rufus could lay his hands on when writing a letter. Wrinkling his brow, he slipped a finger under the edge, ripped it open neatly and began reading aloud.

"Dear Tseng, due to your recent hard work I have decided to reward you all with a holiday…"

"…To the sunny resort of Costa Del Sol, the hotel is already paid for, but you must pay for your own food, drinks, etc…" Read aloud Elena who was in her office, also received a letter.

"…Naturally, you won't be getting paid for this holiday. We're not that rich…" Read aloud Rude who had also received an official letter. "But, please feel free to enjoy yourselves, on the behalf of ShinRa…"

"…And Reno, behave yourself. If I hear anything of the sort of you being a fool I shall send Scarlett down there to slap your bottom…" Read aloud the red head in his office, clutching a letter which had messily been torn from the envelope. He groaned.

"Have a nice holiday. Without the Turks we wouldn't seem as hardcore as we are. So, enjoy yourselves. Yours sincerely, Rufus Shinra."

Everyone read out loud the last line, each in there separate offices, the grins spreading across their faces.

_Gotta tell Tseng about this_, thought Elena throwing the letter down and leaving the office.

_Gotta tell Reno about this, _thought Rude straightening his shades and heading towards Reno's office.

_Oh no! Where are my pants!?_ thought Reno as he rushed around his office like a headless Chocobo, searching for something to cover his bare legs. He figured the Superman boxers must have distracted him so much that he forgot to grab some pants to wear. Hastily, he grabbed a paper bag that had previously carried some groceries, kicked his legs through and dived behind his desk, acting as natural as possible.

"Reno! Have you seen this?" asked Rude barging into his office to find his flame haired partner drumming his fingers on the desk and staring into space.

"The holiday?" yeah seen it…" said Reno lazily shuffling some paper.

"Sounds fun, doesn't it?" grinned Rude. If anyone can imagine Rude grinning, then kudos to you, and he did.

"Yeah fun…"

"What's up?"

"The sky."

"…Very funny…" frowned Rude. "We can go out and get some more clothes for the holiday, if we could manage to persuade Rufus."

"Maybe another day…" drawled Reno feeling very grateful that his desk covered the entire half of his bottom half. Rude sighed and straightened his shades.

"I'll come back later when your not in a mood," he said, giving up all hope. He faced away from Reno, making him feel incredibly guilty but realising the fact he was wearing a brown paper bag for pants was more important than seeing his friend in a mood with him. When he was sure Rude was out of sight, he jumped to his feet and raced down the corridoor. Mission 'Get home wearing this paper bag without anyone seeing and change into some pants' was in full swing!

Screeching to a halt outside the lift, he began jabbing the button with his finger, and was very shocked to find steamy white liquid squirt in his face.

"That's the coffee machine, doofus," yelled Heidegger, who thankfully could not see Reno's bottom half. "The lifts to the lift. Oh yeah, Gya-ha-ha."

Giving him the thumbs up, he walked sideways like a crab until he found the lift, standing there in all it's lift glory. He frantically began pushing the button, thankful when it glowed red. _Floor fifty eight… Fifty nine… sixty…_

"Nearly there," sighed Reno, relived. So far, no one had seen his brown paper bag pants and he planned on keeping it that way. His glory was soon shit on, as a door opened and Rufus was seen leaving, still facing the room and talking to someone.

"Yeah thanks for the tea, Palmer," he said rubbing his teeth. " Yeah, It'll take a while to get the lard out…" he lowered his voice as he slammed the door. "Fucking crank…"

Reno's heart thudded against his chest as squeaked like a girl and began jabbing the button, looking up at the sign above the lift. Floor sixty three… sixty four… sixty fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…

"Oh, now your taking the piss," he hissed at it, frantically looking Rufus, who fortunately wasn't looking at him, but too busy smoothing down his hair.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive…

With a triumphant yell that caused Rufus to look towards the lift and see a blur of red, the doors pinged open and Reno jumped inside.

Rufus shook his head. Was he seeing things? He pulled out his talk box and placed it near his mouth.

"Note to self: Don't drink Palmers tea again. Ever."

--

Reno was faced with another predicament. Inside the lift was Scarlett, and she was loving seeing Reno in a brown paper bag.

"Grr," she said sexily. Well, as sexily as Scarlett could manage.

_Oh shit sauce_, thought Reno leaning casually against the wall. _Act natural…_

"Nice weather," said Reno.

"Nice pants," said Scarlett. Reno turned as red as his hair and remained silent until the doors pinged open for him to leave. He ran out and slid down a side door, to get to his car unnoticed. He grabbed a nearby plant and predicatively his behind it, whilst pushing it to keep him concealed.

"Is that plant moving?" asked Reeve, pointing to it.

"knowing this place, it probably is," replied Tseng nodding towards Hojo who was injecting something into a nearby chair.

Glorious victory! Reno had reached the car park, and ran to his car, pulling out his keys and jumping inside. Sighing, he leaned against it and waited till his heart stopped beating at 300 mph before revving up the engine and setting off.

--

Rude felt sad. He wanted to go bikini shopping with his flame haired pal, but his flame haired pal decided he wanted to be a moody flame haired pal for no apparent reason. Sometimes, he swore Reno was really a chick and had the worst cases of PMT ever.

"What's wrong Rude?" asked Elena, who was sat in the staff room with him, sipping a cup of coffee.

"Reno's being a moody pants," he replied with a sad face. "I haven't seen him since this morning."

"Maybe he threw himself off the building," shrugged Tseng who appeared from no where. Rude frowned and scratched his bald head.

"Nah, we would have heard him yelling," he said finally, looking confused. "Oh wait, here he is…"

A red head became visible as tall and lanky Reno graced them with their presence.

"Where've you been, glossy dick?" asked Elena narrowing her eyes.

"Your mum's bed," he snapped throwing himself down on the sofa and pulling a mug towards him.

"Your not nice today, huh?" said Rude, raising an eyebrow. "Never mind, we've got a holiday in a few days."

"Yeah, at Costa Del Shit," said Reno. "We're been there twenty seven times. It's the biggest heap of bullshit this side of Midgar-"

"Fine, we'll leave you here to do the paperwork," interjected Tseng, silencing Reno. "Now, stop acting like a little bitch."

Only Tseng could shut Reno up. He turned to his colleagues.

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready for this holiday, we sure do deserve it."

"That's the spirit!" grinned Elena.

Costa Del Sol, here we come!

--

The Turks stood at the dock, waiting for their boat to arrive, each clutching a suitcase filled with a weeks worth of clothes. Or in Elena's case, a months worth of clothes.

"The boats here!" said Elena excitedly as the large black and white iron boat pulled up near the docks and a ladder was released to let them climb up.

"Couldn't we use the chopper?" groaned Reno as Rude's backside was shoved in his face, whilst they were climbing up.

"Rufus said it was in the car wash," said Elena, confused. "Or chopper wash. I'm pretty sure he said car wash…"

"He _is _blond," tutted Tseng causing an angry cry of protest from Elena

"Watch it, I could easily throw you off this boat!"

They all clamboured on board and took their seats, scattering around, before throwing their luggage in the… luggage holder thing.

"Costa Del Sol, here we come!" said Reno leaning back and grinning.

"You've already said that," said Rude.

"Oh yeah…"

"It's kinda lost it's coolness now you've over quoted it…"

"I know! Leave me alone!"

The bald man tutted and left his partner to his own devices, as he leaned over the edge of the boat and watched as the water gently lapped against the iron, making Rude feel sea sick. Ugh, hope we get there soon…

--

When they arrived at the sunny resort of Costa Del Sol, they excitedly found their hotel, unpacked their things, changed into their beach wear and raced outside. Even Tseng changed into his bright blue Speedos to enjoy a dip in the pool.

"Woo! Nice package Tseng!" hollered Reno as his black haired colleague strolled on the hot sand.

"Can it, Reno," said Tseng, placing his hands on hips. "I'm going for a swim."

Elena stretched out on a towel, applying a thick layer of sun cream. Whenever Reno was in a five feet radius of a girl in a bikini, his eyes were hanging out of their sockets, even if this girl was Tseng's lover and his co-worker who found him annoying.

"Let me do that for you!" Reno offered making his way over to her. She replaced the sun cream with pepper spray and squirted it in Reno's face. He yelped and jumped backwards, rubbing his face, eyes gushing tears.

"What did you do that for!?" he yelled finding a towel to wipe his face. Elena span the pepper spray in her hand as though it were a gun.

"I knew this would be useful when your near me," she replied laying back down like nothing had happened. "Go play in the sand with Rude."

"Yay!" said Rude who was playing with his bucket and spade. "Reno, I made a castle! My castle needs a flag!"

"Your head needs a brain," groaned Reno. "When I look through your ears, I can see the sunset."

"Oh, nice," said Rude filling his bucket with more sand to make another castle. Reno slapped his hand to his forehead and groaned.

"I'm going back to our room," he told him, backing away slowly. "Don't go too far in the sea, okay?"

Rude nodded and patted some sand down with his spade.

Sighing, Reno made his way to the hotel, when a big no-_massive_-crab jumped out from nowhere and snapped it's claws at him.

"I am evil crab," it said. "I'm gonna pinch you into next Thursday."

"Oh yeah?" said Reno bravely pulling out his electromag baton. "Well I'm gonna zap you into next Tuesday."

Evil crab laughed like Hojo, waving his claws around. "You cannot defeat me, boy," it said.

He brought it's claw down, aiming for Reno's neck. The red head jumped to action, pointing his baton towards Evil crab.

"Buzzzzz-zooommf!" said Reno's baton as it ran out of charge.

"Oh shit," said Reno, glaring at his baton. "Work, damn you, work!"

He swatted it around, then decided to unscrew it to look at the batteries. "Hold on," said Reno to Evil crab as he was about to pinch his neck. "The batteries have ran out."

Evil crab sighed as Reno took out the batteries, examined them, rubbed them and so on, in a vain attempt to make them work. He looked towards Evil crab.

"Ya don't have any batteries do you?" he asked. Evil crab shuffled for a minute in his pocket.

"What batteries does it take?" he asked fishing out a few of them.

"Triple A, I think," he said checking to make sure. "Yeah, triple A. You got any?"

"I do as a matter of fact," said Evil crab handing him two.

"Oh, thanks," said Reno throwing the old batteries away and replacing them before screwing his baton closed. "I got those batteries from ShinRa market, they're terrible. Have you ever been? It's a nightmare! You get to use something for five minutes and the batteries run out!"

"That's silly," tutted Evil crab. "Anyway, where were we? Ah yes…"

He reached out for Reno again, but the red head jumped back and aimed his baton at the fiend.

"Zzzzap!" said his baton as it sent an electrical surge at Evil crab. He twitched, fell sideways and collapsed, twitching.

"I-I wont let y-you kill me!" he hissed glaring at the Turk and pointing his sharp claw.

"Well, that's my job," said Reno aiming his baton towards Evil crab again. The was another surge of electric, a bang and Evil crab was turned into crab sticks.

"Hmm," said Reno picking one up and eating it. "Not bad. Not bad at all. Now, I must get back to the hotel."

He spun his baton in his fingers like a fag, then folded it away. Who knew the baton could fold down and fit into his pocket?

Reno grinned, looked behind him and turned to face the readers of this story.

"For the Turk who likes to travel," he said with a cheesy wink. Several fan girls fainted.

Reno made his way to his hotel room and decided a hot shower would be the best option, especially if they were going partying tonight.

Who knew what tomorrow might bring!?

--

**A/N: **Durn durn durrrrrrrrrrrn! What _will_ tomorrow bring? Will Rude find a flag for his sandcastle? Why the hell is Tseng wearing Speedo's? Tune in next week to fond out more! ;D


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